I have social down syndrome. during social gatherings (the ones which i attend anyway) i usually shut up and plaster a smile on my face looking all pretty with a dimple on each cheek and a twinkle in my teeth (but since i started having coffee and nicotine on a regular basis, my teeth has somewhat lost their twinkle). I prefer to talk only in smaller groups, where you don't have to raise your voice to be heard and all that small talk isn't really necessary. over the years i've put in more effort to be a social butterfly, realizing that contacts are one of the most important things in life. i speak more, i make lame jokes and laugh at them by myself and i hurl insults at anyone dumb enough to shake my hand. not the best way to get into people's good books, i know, but at least i try.

i seem to be making a pretty good effort too, then BAM out of nowhere this airplane creature thingy kidnapped me and flew me to china. ever since i got here, i've spoken a grand total of 50 words a day, if i'm lucky, 80. which brings my social down syndrome to a whole new level. okay i've tried to learn mandarin so i can at least survive in the place but it takes too long for me to form a sentence in mandarin and by the time i've figured out what to say, the person talking to me would get bored of my stupid constipated face and proceed to talk to the much more interesting money tree by the elevator.

you see, i form, my thoughts in english, translate them to cantonese or hokkien, then figure out how to say it in mandarin. it goes something like this

"damn, i need to shit = aiya wa ai pangsai (wait that doesn't sound too right, lets use cantonese) = ngo oi orr see
okay ngo is urm....wo...right?
right so oi translates to....ai...not that tough this one
let's see now orr...fuck orr doesn't translate to anything
so how do you say shit in mandarin? is it da pien? yea it's dapien! so it's WO AI DA PIEN"

i swear that's how i form the mandarin sentences in my head. so much for people holding conversations with me.

so this morning in the elevator, a girl was making small talk with me and it sorta went like this

girl : ni how
me : er...ni how
girl : ni che fun liaw mar?
me : *oh fuck how do i say i'm going to eat now? don't panic don't panic* wo...urm...pbbbth blargh goobidy boobidy dug dug
mooooo
girl : *looks scared*.....
me : ....

anyone know of any hospitals which cares for socially retarded people?